Why You Don’t Have to Take the Executor Job

Oct 7

When people find out they’ve been named Executor in a family member’s Will, the reaction is almost always the same: panic.

Not because they don’t care, but because they know the person who chose them never really got their affairs in order. The paperwork’s scattered, the passwords are missing, the beneficiary designations are outdated, and there’s no clear roadmap for what comes next.

But here’s the truth: you don’t have to take the job.

Yes, your name might be written in a Will, but that doesn’t mean you’re legally trapped. We live in a free society. No one can force you to serve as Executor.

And yet, this idea surprises almost everyone.

You’re Not Trapped in the Will

During my years as an estate planning attorney, people often confessed to me:

“I know I’m named as Executor, but I don’t want to do it. The estate’s going to be a disaster.”

My answer never changed: “You don’t have to do it.”

Sometimes the bravest and most responsible thing you can do is not take on a role that will overwhelm you, especially when it’s a job you didn’t ask for.

Executor vs. Personal Representative

Here’s where it gets a little technical, but hang with me.

An Executor is the person named in a Will to handle someone’s estate after they die. A personal representative is a broader term that includes Executors and anyone else appointed by the court to do the same job if the named person declines or if there isn’t a Will.

In other words, if you say no, someone else, maybe a family member, maybe a court-appointed professional, will step in. The world doesn’t stop turning just because you decline.

Who Steps In If You Don’t

Each state has its own “priority list” for who can serve as personal representative if the named Executor steps aside.

In Michigan (where I live), the order goes something like this:

The person named in the Will.
The surviving spouse (if they’re also a beneficiary).
Other beneficiaries named in the Will.
Heirs—those who would inherit if there were no Will.
Creditors of the estate (yes, even a hospital or landlord).
Finally, a public administrator appointed by the county or state.

So if everyone says no, the court appoints someone neutral to close out the estate.

Why People Feel Obligated to Say Yes

For many of us, being named Executor feels like an honor, proof that someone trusted us.
But it’s also a setup for guilt, especially for women in the “sandwich generation,” juggling kids, aging parents, and careers. There’s a cultural script whispering, you have to show up, no matter what it costs you.

I get it. Saying no can feel selfish. But it’s not. It’s honest. It’s self-preserving. And it might be the best way to ensure things are handled competently, by someone who actually has the capacity.

When Saying Yes Makes Sense

Sometimes saying yes does make sense—if:

You’re emotionally prepared,
You have time and support, and
The estate is organized and up-to-date.

But saying yes doesn’t have to mean saying yes under any conditions.
You’re allowed to say, I’ll do it, but only if the finances are in order, or only if we hire professional help.

Boundaries don’t make you difficult. They make you effective.

The Bottom Line

Administering an estate is not for the faint of heart. It’s a big job that demands time, emotional energy, and attention to detail. But it’s also a job that’s optional.

You can say no. You can ask for help. You can choose to protect your own peace without letting anyone down.

And sometimes, that’s exactly what readiness looks like.

If You’re Named Executor (or Already Serving)

You don’t have to do it alone. My Probate and Estate Administration Support Services are designed to help you: